a recommended read

Tonight, I went to the Bookworm with Sarah and Andrea to listen to a book talk by John Pomfret. He just published his new book called "Chinese Lessons." To go into deeper about what this book was about...I'll grab what the Bookworm newsletter had to say about his visit and book. And I quote "A rare opportunity to hear from John Pomfret, an award winning journalist currently firmly positioned at the top of the hotlist of China commentators. John Pomfret came to China to study at Nanjing University in 1981. Immersing himself in Chinese society and culture, he gained a unique insight into China at a time when few foreigners had the opportunity. His brand new book, 'Chinese Lessons', published in August this year, tells the stories of his classmates at Nan Da, recounting how their lives have been shaped by the rise of 'new China' over the past thirty years." I really enjoyed the talk...but I didn't end up buying the book. Not that I didn't want to...but it was 220RMB. I don't even usually pay that much for a leisure book in the states! So...I might visit the Bookworm more often and see if it's a book I can just read at the store. After the talk...Sarah, Andrea, and I got to talking about a whole range of issues regarding China. For me...what struck me the most was what he had to say about my generation of Chinese. Not many people really want to hear much about what their parents went through...or learn about their grandparents' era...at least they don't seem to interested on the outside. What they are more interested in is what can be seen as the economics of China. How can I get a good job and a good pay? Could I go to America? Money, money, money. And I'm not here to judge my generation of Chinese...but the whole money issue here is so prevalent among everyone! My roommate and I had a really long conversation about how money has driven people to do some really shameful things. It seems like people are willing to give up tradition, culture, family, parents, friends for the sake of money. Granted...this is only a generalization of the situation. I can not be certain that this is the case for everyone. But at the same time, it does seem like it is everywhere. I am not sure if I am one to talk though...not having been raised entirely in this culture and in this society. Certainly alot of things here in China and the US are very different. Sometimes, I wonder if even I, if I were in their shoes, would act the same way.

Not only was this observation, in my opinion, applicable to my generation of Chinese...but I also see it prevalent in my own family. None of my cousins or my brother seem really interested in their cultural roots...even when all of us, with the exception of my oldest cousin, my brother, and me...were all born in Taiwan. There isn't so much of a strive to maintain strong ethnic, cultural, or traditional ties. They...are Americanized. When I say this though...what are the standards for being Americanized? Am I only saying this because I feel like I have a stronger interest in finding my cultural roots? Although any of this might be so...none of my cousins seem to want to leave America and even visit China or Taiwan. They all of family now...and to a certain degree...realized the American dream for their parents. Some are landscapers, some teachers, some are researchers with a Ph D. I, though, feel like there is such a large gap that has yet to be filled. I want to be out there, learning more about my family, learning about our history...our struggles, our successes. But...in my family, I am alone in that journey.

One of the other things that Pomfret brought up was the issue of Taiwan and China. Prior to coming to China, I really had no understanding of where my family was in terms of political sides. Sometimes, though, as Sarah and Andrea both mentioned, you just get tired of bickering about the same issue over and over again. World citizen. Sounds pretty easy enough.


I was going to write an entry that was sort of personal...but, time has passed by...and some of the anger and frustration had passed by. In the midst of all of that though...I was having a hard time just even understanding the basis of why I was here. Being Chinese American has, in alot of ways, been really good. I feel that I am able to enjoy two cultures...accepting and taking as my own the qualities from the two that I feel is most applicable to who I am and what I am to become. However...there has also been downfalls. One of the reactions I get mostly from the Chinese here is just that I am Chinese. I may not speak the dialect that they speak here...but I'm Chinese from another place. Sure..I am. I'm HuaQiao...meaning that I'm ethnically Chinese...but I'm living outside of China. Therefore...in being Chinese...there are expecations. The basics being being able to read and write...2 things I have yet to master. When they figure that I can't...their first exclamation is WHAT! YOU CAN'T READ?!? I then have to explain to them that yes...I am Chinese American...I am here in China to learn. Then they smile and say..Ahh...Chinese-American. HuaQiao. Usually...they start talking to me...asking me about my family backgroud...where my grandparents are from...where my parents are from, etc. Here then starts the first round of uncomfortablness. First...I reply that my parents were born and raised in Taiwan but my grandparents are originally from China. They reply...oh, Taiwan. *A look* I have come to accept this look...the look of "you are KMT." Among some of the Chinese here, then, following this claim, there is a sort of understanding and then I get this feeling. I don't know how to describe it. It is a feeling of obligation...or rather..expected obligation of kindness. I am sure, and I know, that this feeling doesnt happen with everyone...but there's this feeling that...my grandparents went to Taiwan...and then my parents were able to immigrate to the US. Now...you are back here...you should help us...financially. This is a feeling that I am not unfamiliar with. My grandpa was of a family of, I think, 9 kids. When he "fled" to Taiwan, he had to leave his family behind. Several years ago, he made contact with his younger brother and went to China to visit. Their relationship as brothers soon became strained as this relationship itself became a burden...a burden of having to give his brother money. It's not so much that my grandpa was unwilling...but the want of money soon became all that was making this relationship even a relationship. My grandpa soon made the decision to cut off all relations...knowing that this relationship was doomed to end in tragedy anyways. This is just one of the feelings I myself experience sometimes. The other is living up to expectations. I grew up being told to respect elders...whether or not they are wrong. Although now I don't fully accept this sort of thinking...I still do follow it for traditions sake. However, one of the most frustrating things about being here for me has been the expectations the Chinese have for me. They expect that being a Chinese-American who can speak and understand Chinese that I completely and totally understand all of the customs and mannerisms of the people here. At these moments, it seems like they forget the American part of Chinese-American...totally disregarding the fact that I, for the past 20 years, have been in an American society and was educated with Western ways. The expectations sometimes just makes me feel so useless. No matter how hard I try to respect my elders, I can not because they see me as someone I am not. I can not be the Chinese they think I am. Not only that though, they become frustrated with me for "not knowing better."
*Sigh* My desire to "seek thyself" has not only been fulfilled on a daily basis...but it has really made me stop and re-evaluate my identity. For all of those I talked to before I left...yeah. I am here...and it's happening. I am starting to know more about myself...in a deeper sense than even I would have imagined. I am not only reaching the more basic levels of self...but I am facing issues that is forcing me to think in ways I did not think I would be doing.

All in all though...I feel like regardless of how I may feel...everything, I know, will work out. I am so glad to have the friends that I do have...both here in Chengdu and back in the States.

:) Enough about personal reflections...I should get started on some reviewing and some homework. There are still a huge amount of stuff I should get to...but...step by step, no?